It's been awhile

I haven't said much about me lately. So, here's the (not so) interesting news about me.

1. My professional life has been wonderful. My job isn't the most challenging in terms of work but the people are awesome and supportive and I am given respect for any ideas. The Ministry, too, is great. It's really a healthy environment! I feel that I could happily stay here for awhile. Although my job ends in November...  Here's hoping they can keep me on.
2. Marriage is wonderful too. A new kiddo can really put a strain on a relationship, but it's only brought Neil and I closer together.There is no drama or stress. Just 2 ole married folks (who are also best friends) working together to raise a daughter. I have a wodnerful husband and I am so so so so lucky.
3. There was a good stretch of time where I didn't see my girlfriends much. But the last few weeks I have been trying much harder to see them and it's been great for my mental health. Although it could also be that spring is ALMOST coming! Today and tomorrow are ick but then it should be spring temps (and flooding) for the next bit. And the increased sun has been awesome. It's so nice to arrive at work after the sun rises.
4. The down-there-complications after Maddy's birth. They are pretty well under control. I have to go back to the doc and the physio just to make sure. But I am now good. Not pre-baby normal but normal for a person who pushed a kid with a head in the 98th percentile out her lady bits. So now normal.
5. I thought I would like being a mom most of the time. But I was sure there would be moments (hours, days?) where I would long for the simplicity and selfishness being a non-mom gave me. But, so far, that has not at all happened. I love being Maddy's mom. Period. There are times (like when she refuses to nap during her ONE nap a day) that I get frustrated. But there is not a time where I have missed sleeping in, going out whenever I wanted to, having freedom more than I am happy being Maddy's mum-mum-mum-mum. And that, honestly, surprises me. I really thought I was more selfish and lazy than I am turning out to be.
6. I stepped on the scale this morning. And the number was a HAPPY one! I am not just a hair lower in weight than I was when I got pregnant. I went to a store yesterday and bought pants. They are a size smaller than I have been wearing. It was a store that has a larger fit, but even a few months ago I was wearing the size up from what I bought. I have a goal in mind (12 pounds less than where I am now) and I'll continue to work to meet it. Although when I told my mom what my goal weight was, she looked me up and down and then gave me a range to aim for - with my goal weight at the TOP of that range. Baby-steps, baba! Just because I get to my goal weight doesn't mean I'll stop. And, to put it all in perspective, even at this new just -lower-than-pre-preggo weight? I am still JUST inside of overweight according to BMI.

And there is the quick and dirty on me. I am good. Awesome! Happy! Not very interesting stuff to blog about (they say that drama reads better) but I love my husband and daughter... I love my life! Now, I wonder how badly I'll jinx myself once I hit publish...

Getting lost in my head

I am beginning to forget some of the basics of communication. I have been getting lost in my head.

I am with Madds all day. And while we try to get out, most of my time is spent with just the two of us. I try to talk aloud to her but she doesn't talk back quite yet and the silence - the lack of communication - causes me to retreat inside myself, just think instead of speak. This happens to me when I am alone too much, when I have traveled alone, when I have been too solitary. And it's starting to spill over into my relationships with others. Neil, my friends, my parents. I just have forgotten how to talk. 

I can still normally keep up with trivial conversation. Although that too is slipping... But in my attempts to have deeper conversations with friends, I find I am struggling to convey my thoughts back to them. I can't seem to provide feedback to what they say. Instead of prompting for more information, supporting, bringing insight... I seem to think and keep the thoughts inside. And then the conversation awkwardly dies. and later I realize what I have done but by then it's too late. The moment has passed. And I used to think I was an ok listener. Now it's frighteningly gone. 

I know I need to get out more with friends (without Maddy). And I need to stop writing blog posts in my head. I need to live life, not write it. Maybe when I get back from vacation, I'll make more of an effort. Make one night a week my getting out night. go out with friends, hit the gym, shop... whatever I want. Or maybe I need a project where I am forced to think about more than which food are we starting today, has there been a dirty diaper yet, is she sleepy or hungry now, is it time to do something in frontierville (sorry FB friends). 

For those friends that I have unintentionally slighted, I am sorry. I'm working on finding my way out again. 

Motivation

When Neil and I got married I was nearly 5 months pregnant. And apparently the day I went to figure out what size my fingers are I was a tad swollen so when I got them they were loose. Well, by the end of my pregnancy even the big rings couldn't come close to fitting over my pinky, let alone any other finger. Maddy was born, the water retention stopped (thankfully) and I went back to normal. Normal? It was a lot smaller than the ring was. I have been trying to wear my wedding rings but they kept falling off when I'd wash dishes, put cream on, do jazz hands... so they have been on a hook in the kitchen a lot. This weekend we finally made it to the jewelery store to get them resized. After finding out they were 1.5 sizes too big (argh) we left them there until last night. Last night I got my wedding rings. I slipped them on and (of course) now they are too small!

I have the finger version of muffin-top over my rings. Ick.

They are leaving a nasty red ring around my finger. But? They aren't falling off and thus won't get lost or thrown out. And they are the PERFECT motivation to lose those 30 pounds I have been meaning to shed.

Just because it's THAT crazy...

I went to a website, http://www.iwl.me, and put a bit of the blog in their magical analysis machine. It says I write like Kurt Vonnegut! That is a complete and utter insult to Vonnegut but I love his writing and feel honoured to even be sort of compared to him.

Complication continued

I mentioned here, there was a complication after Maddy's birth. And here is more TMI, this time on how I am treating it.

My doctor prescribed a new product, called Lady System. Vaginal cones for pelvic floor reeducation. Basically? They are 5 small cones of differing weights. Starting at almost 5g up to 55g. You insert them and then use your pelvic floor to (try to) keep it in place.

After calling around to multiple pharmacies finally I found one that would order it in for me, although they didn't stock it (thanks Betsy!). And of course my benefits won't cover this product. It's very new. Almost $120 later, I have it and have been using it.

I grabbed the first weight, 4.9g. I could barely feel it in my hand! But my pelvic floor? Even that small weight is almost to much. I am hoping it'll start to soon get better and will help me get everything back to normal. Last night, as I did my 15 minutes of therapy, I washed the cupboards. You have to be standing/moving. And they needed to be done! I can see much puttering being done while I reeducate.

And while I am not completely back to where I was, I am probably at 75% of normal. Or maybe I am just getting used to not-normal... But either way, I am doing ok.

More about me

This is something I have spoken about with friends in person but haven't mentioned on the blog. But I now feel it's the time to share. There was a complication after Maddy's birth.

If you recall, it was a bit of a traumatic birth. I finally found out what happened. I had a third degree tear plus the episiotomy. And after coming home, I had issues with bowel control. Namely, I had no control. I spoke to my doctor about it and she said to wait 6 weeks, to see if I got control back. And I did. Somewhat. But it was definitely not normal, despite doing kegals for hours (yes, hours) a day. My doctor referred me to a gynecologist. That took 6 weeks to get into. Then I was to be sent for a rectal ultrasound. If there was a tear, I would need surgery. If there wasn't a tear then likely more kegals and/or physiotherapy. One month after the appointment I had heard nothing about the ultrasound so I called the doctor's office. Turns out the ultrasound appointment was for the exact date and time I called. There was no way I could get child care for Maddy and be at the hospital in seconds. We rescheduled. 

Today I had the ultrasound. And? No tear! No surgery! WA HOO!! The journey is not over, but at least there will be no more cutting of the girl parts and the associated areas. They have had enough for this year. 

The books never mentioned this as a potential complication although every medical professional I speak to says this is more common that people think. I was ready for hemorrhoids, tearing, cutting, stretch marks, swelling... everything but this. No one warned me this could happen. I came home sore, tired. stressed and hormonal. I was responsible for the care of this tiny, delicate human being. I was fighting to be able to breastfeed my child. And on top of it all I was not able to do something I have had control of since about 2 years old. Neil has been nothing but supportive and positive through this all. But I just wasn't ready for this. It was all overwhelming.  

Why am I sharing this likely too personal information? Because I felt alone. I felt like I was the only person dealing with this complication. And it was demoralizing. Humiliating. And if anyone I know or anyone who reads this had to go through something similar I want them to know they aren't alone. 

It's been awhile since I spoke about...

... ME!

So, what about me? I am doing pretty well, thanks for asking!

A few weeks ago I cut my hair. There was the short in February and then the OMG short a few weeks ago. It was about 1-2 inches long. It's an awesome style for getting ready quickly. However, it was quite... un-feminine. It's growing out now and much better. The cut was done well, it was just the length. In about 3 more weeks it'll be just right. I am also trying to lose some weight. I am pretty close to the weight I was when I got pregnant. But I am definitely a different (saggier) shape. My goal is to lose 30 pounds (4 pounds down now). Even though I am not at my ideal weight, yesterday I did something wild n' crazy. I bought skinny jeans! I have been a big fan of the baggy boot-cut forever but the fit? It wasn't right anymore. I looked saggy. The (young) sales lady grabbed her favorite style and handed them to me. Skinny jeans. I was reluctant but tried them on. And I liked them on me. I took them home and showed Neil. He agreed, they looked good. In about 26 pounds they will look better, but for having an 18 week old, I am happy. Oh! And I found an anti-wrinkle cream I really love. Prevera. It's working well and only $30 a jar. Hmmm... new hair (like I had when I was in my 20's), skinny jeans and anti-wrinkle cream. Is someone feeling old? *grin*

Emotionally? I am doing well too. The biggest struggle is convincing someone adorable yet oh so stubborn to sleep. It's hard to spend my days obsessing about the sleep patterns of Maddy. Watching for signs of tired then trying to put her down. When she's well rested she's the most happy, giggly, smiley and playful child ever. When she's tired, she's a grump. She is set off by the smallest thing and cries. Wails! I think the most difficult part is that I know what is wrong, I know what she needs. Sleep. But she fights me on it, while at the same time I know she wants me to make it all better. Is this some kind of foreshadowing with life as a teenager? After 4 months of trying everything to lure her to sleep we are now using a modified Cry it out (CIO). And it's hard. But after trying so many other methods we had to do something to bring it all under control. And we're seeing signs of it working! That makes it all worthwhile. My parents tell me it's retribution, that I was a poor sleeper. Karma? You suck. I thought you should know.

The only other struggle, minor in comparison, is the loss of the old Wendy. I am a mom right now, almost all the time. I miss my hobbies, going out with friends, working (yes, working!). I miss spending evenings out with Neil, doing errands. Right now our evenings are spent keeping someone calm until they are ready for bed then relaxing around the house. But always on alert for her to wake and then we start the calming all over again. Or cooking, cleaning, washing dishes and laundry. It's constant. And how can you do it all AND work? I am months away from facing that reality and already I can't imagine how other women do it. And they do it with TWO children... it's inconceivable.... *shudder*

Apparently I like talking about me! Although even when it's about me, it's about Maddy. Being a mother is truly constant.

All about ME!

Yesterday I left home alone (without Maddy or Neil) for the first time. I went to the salon to get my hair cut - thanks for the gift certificate mom!

I left the house looking like this:

How it always looked - up in a ponytail

Messy, but here's a sense of the length

And from the back - this is washed and thrown into a ponytail

And when I came home? I looked like:

 Where is my hair??! 

And from the back

I love it! It's wash and wear. Although it's now pretty much my "natural" colour. Which is? Medium brown with a LOT of grey. The sweet young stylist (damn her) called it "salt and pepper" coloured. But I am only 35!! Salt and pepper already??! So those highlights you see in the after shots? Those are my greys. 

On the way home I bought a box of hair dye too. Can you blame me? 

We are married!

And the strangest thing about being married? It feels no different than before *grin*.

But the day was wonderful, there was only one thing that went wrong (the restaurant gave away our reserved room, because of a mis-communication) but we ended up still eating there, just in the main dining room, and annoying everyone around us with our loud chatting and laughing. It was small, low key, completely informal and I think the right kind of wedding for guy marrying a gal 19 weeks knocked up. We're talking about having a full-blown all family and friends party next September, to celebrate one year of marriage and Sprout. But there just wasn't the time or the money to get something put together for this year.

There are so many memories I want to capture, but I am not sure this blog is the right place to do it. But, either way, we are now the Birch family!

Week 19 and WEDDING DAY!

Today, Neil and I are getting married. I woke up single, and will be going to bed a Mrs. And I am so excited! We think we have everything ready to go. The location, the officiant, the dress (which still barely fits), the suit, the flowers, the favours, the reception site, the liquor for drinks at our place... we think we have it all! Although I am not sure where in the pyramid we'll have the ceremony. Nor am I sure how we'll start dad walking me down the "aisle". But otherwise I think we have it covered. Now just to remember the rings and license.

This morning Neil went and got me a Transcend latte, to give me that little boost of caffeine to make it through the day. Well, at least through the hair apointment. Why do I need this boost? Well, I have a cold. Or swine flu... the swab results aren't back yet.

Last weekend Neil and I went to a conference in Seattle, PAX, and upon returning we found out there was a confirmed case of swine flu at the conference. And with me being pregnant, and at a higher risk of complications from swine flu, as soon as we found out we called my OB and she brought us in immediately and swabbed me (a very long and skinny swab, through the NOSE to the back of the throat, which tickled like CRAZY!) and started me on Tamiflu, as a precaution. She said if I was any sicker, that I may have had to have been hospitalized... luckily I am getting better, feeling ok now and thus just have the medication. And have warned the guests about the slim chance that I have swine flu. Otherwise the adults will be there. While I am feeling better, my nose is RED and SWOLLEN and PEELING, which is a very attractive look, for a wedding. But it's just the way things go for us.

Oh! Another "Birch-ism", once we returned home, I was putting things away in the shower and moving the curtains must have disturbed the wasp sleeping there. Who proceeded to sting me THREE times on the left Achilles Heel, right where the back of my shoes would go. We're hoping I will be able to wear the shoes I bought... I don't want to know if I can't. Yet.

Time has elapsed, my hair is done (it looks beautiful!) and the shoes were tried on and can be worn! WOO HOO! But I have to also say, my fabulous hairdresser bought a vase of flowers and daisies for me, as a wedding gift. What a wonderful gesture!! The wedding favours are in bags, with matching tissue paper on top. The menus are printed out and on cardboard, for easier reading. The alcohol is sitting on the dining room table, maybe it should be in the kitchen? Near the ice? Just waiting to be able to put on my makeup and then the dress...

Well, maybe I should take a break from the wedding play-by-play and mention someone important - Sprout! Our little girl is now 19 weeks along (almost half way done!) On the way back home, we ran into my dad's accupuncturist at the airport, Dr Ng, who also confirmed Sprout is a girl (my pulse is stronger on the right side, this means I am havig a girl). It's strange, I am more confident about the gender with his prediction than I was with the ultrasound. But I am now sure, we're having a little girl! Yesterday Dr. Loiselle listened to Sprout's heartbeat again, a solid 150 BPM, and she seems to be just fine (no effects from the cold) and the ultrasound came back with everything looking a-ok! It's so reassuring to hear the woosh-woosh of her heartbeat, it makes me know she's ok. And I am feeling some movement. Not a lot, not very hard but I can feel her kicking and punching and that always brings a smile to my face. When I say she's moving Neil tries to feel it, he reaches out and touches my belly. But it's just too soon to feel it from the outside. But when he can... it's really an amazing feeling to have physical proof of the existence of your child!

Week 19 is MANGO! Our little girl is about the size of a mango. And growing larger all the time

And I know this next statement is going to sound wrong, but I think I am losing weight with this pregnancy. I weighed myself the morning after we found out. Since that day, June 2 2009 when I was just 5 weeks along, I have only gained 9 pounds. I am a LOT larger in the belly area, but I think the rest of me is shrinking. This is NOT a bad thing, since I really was overweight to start, but it really proves to me eating often (seemingly all the time) but small amounts and trying to eat more fruits and veggies actually WORKS for losing weight!! Although the one complaint? The pregnancy clothes I bought to get me through? Are starting to be too big...

OK, the hour of marriage approaches and I should double check the house and start on the make-up. I bought fake eyelashes for the first time... wish me luck so that I don't glue my eyes shut! Oh c'mon... you know that is something I would do!

More after we're man and wife (and Sprout)

In related news...

It's official. I am shedding my single-ness and becoming a a married girl! While this has been a long time coming, we are now officially getting married and I could not be happier.

We are planning the big day to be Wednesday September 9th, 2009 (09.09.09 - easy to remember!). It will be a very small and casual day. Nothing fancy (no big dress, flowers, attendants) just a simple ceremony that will confirm our commitment to one another.

While the picture is blurry, the ring is gorgeous and perfect for me. Pictures of the big day will also be posted here.

In pregnancy related news. I stepped on the scale this morning, and I am 2 pounds less than I was when I peed on the stick. Which is still healthy, since I was too heavy to start with. But despite the minimal change in numbers, the change in my body? Drastic and fantastic! I am looking more and more pregnant everyday. In fact, I had my first belly touch! While I didn't feel like my personal space was being invaded, I am ok with touch, I did feel bad that all she really touched was my belly fat. The babe is small and tucked mostly in my pelvis still. They are just pushing all the fat upwards and outwards!