Wednesday, June 9, 2010

More about me

This is something I have spoken about with friends in person but haven't mentioned on the blog. But I now feel it's the time to share. There was a complication after Maddy's birth.

If you recall, it was a bit of a traumatic birth. I finally found out what happened. I had a third degree tear plus the episiotomy. And after coming home, I had issues with bowel control. Namely, I had no control. I spoke to my doctor about it and she said to wait 6 weeks, to see if I got control back. And I did. Somewhat. But it was definitely not normal, despite doing kegals for hours (yes, hours) a day. My doctor referred me to a gynecologist. That took 6 weeks to get into. Then I was to be sent for a rectal ultrasound. If there was a tear, I would need surgery. If there wasn't a tear then likely more kegals and/or physiotherapy. One month after the appointment I had heard nothing about the ultrasound so I called the doctor's office. Turns out the ultrasound appointment was for the exact date and time I called. There was no way I could get child care for Maddy and be at the hospital in seconds. We rescheduled. 

Today I had the ultrasound. And? No tear! No surgery! WA HOO!! The journey is not over, but at least there will be no more cutting of the girl parts and the associated areas. They have had enough for this year. 

The books never mentioned this as a potential complication although every medical professional I speak to says this is more common that people think. I was ready for hemorrhoids, tearing, cutting, stretch marks, swelling... everything but this. No one warned me this could happen. I came home sore, tired. stressed and hormonal. I was responsible for the care of this tiny, delicate human being. I was fighting to be able to breastfeed my child. And on top of it all I was not able to do something I have had control of since about 2 years old. Neil has been nothing but supportive and positive through this all. But I just wasn't ready for this. It was all overwhelming.  

Why am I sharing this likely too personal information? Because I felt alone. I felt like I was the only person dealing with this complication. And it was demoralizing. Humiliating. And if anyone I know or anyone who reads this had to go through something similar I want them to know they aren't alone. 

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