Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Update from sleepy-land

First. So so so so so tired. Sleepy. Which has resulted in less blogging and more staring into space (once chores are done) summoning the strength of will to get my ass OFF the couch and INTO bed. Of course, despite my tiredness I have not been sleeping well. Last night one of the many times I woke was to Neil's nose whistling a soft "woot" each time he exhaled. Which made me laugh (and wish I had a recording device) and had me up for a bit. Then I thought of something for work (which I remembered in the morning) and something to do around the house (which I forgot). As a child no one TOLD me that you have to close your eyes to sleep, so I would lie there waiting for sleep to come. It's like that now. Except my eyes are closed.

Second, Maddy is AWESOME. Seriously. She's so much fun, so sweet, so ready to giggle, so impish and adorable. I am biased, but I am loving every second of her. Tonight I was in the bath and I could hear her softly babbling to herself "doo doo doodoo" and then giggle. Potty humour FTW! It was 9pm and she should have been sleeping but my heart filled with joy to hear her sweet sounds. She's still into EVERYTHING and standing up at every opportunity. She loves the bath and will respond if she hears it running. She's just so interactive with her world! I know I am missing out on so much, I know there could be so much more that I could update about her if I was home, but I am not. And that is ok too. Only some (aka lots) of guilt.

Third. I am now apparently able to only think in tweets. My life is filled with a constant tweeting-commentary of what has to be done and what is around me. Of course, I never tweet. That would make too much sense. I blame the tired. And these tweets? I am constantly juggling them. Today I updated my boss on things I am doing. I looked around the piles on my desk and updated her where each project was. Including an update on the stack of Christmas cards I had sitting in the corner, ready to work on over lunch. I stopped and apologizing for the verbal diarrhea. She understood and laughed but wow... I need to get better organized and sorted out.

Fourth, work goes well. I am thinking again, which is kinda nice. It's not a passion (but what in government is?) but I still like the Ministry and my co-workers and the role I have.

Last, I could not come even a little bit close to doing this without my awesome mom and husband. Especially mom, and her giving up so much to take on a demanding and tiring full time job. I know mom loves Maddy so so so much and loves spending the time with her but I also know how hard it is to care for Maddy full time (and still get everything else done). My mother is amazing and wonderful and the best mom and baba ever. I want everyone to know how amazing she is and that I appreciate her and know how lucky I am. I also couldn't do this without Neil and how he's stepped up and is so involved with the house and Maddy. I am so lucky to have a husband like him. Plus? He's cute too - that doesn't hurt *grin* I can't imagine doing this alone or with an uninvolved dada. Oh, and wine. Wine is also very important.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Month Ten Letter

Dear Maddy,

Ten months. TEN months... You are within spitting distance of a year old.

Everyday there is something new, everyday you make us smile and laugh! You have changed absolutely everything in our lives, from what we do, how we live and how we see the world. And everything is better than I could have ever imagined. I thought being a mom would be good but I thought it would be hard work and kind of thankless. And sometimes it is. But most of the time it's so much fun! You are such a happy little girl. You have a spirit to you that already makes interacting with you a joy. Yes, you can get famously upset when something doesn't go your way, but that is fun too. You have the spirit of an explorer, and you are always on the move. You are an amazing little soul. An old little soul.

I am now back at work and I want you to know, Maddy, you are still always on my mind. I look at your picture on my desktop or on my phone multiple times a day. I think about you and your routines throughout the day. I miss you always. But having the chance to think again, challenge my little grey cells, is also good for me. Right now the grey cells are THIS close to short-circuiting but we're hanging in and I am hoping it'll get better (aka seem normal) soon. Madds, I have always been good at knowing where I park the car (unlike your dada, but that is another story). When I got pregnant you sucked some of that memory juice away and I would have to concentrate to remember where the car is. And now that I am working and caring for you and keeping track of the househodl stuff, for the first time ever I lost the car. I was SURE I was in the right place, but the vehicle was not. That sense of panic? Not pleasurable. And it was me, the car was one row over. Or when I got lost in a mall, on my way back to the office, a trip I had taken hundreds of times before. I stood there, looking around helplessly as I tried to figure out how to get to my desk. I knew there was a way, but could not see that route in my head.

But my girl, we're getting ready for your first Christmas and trying to figure out what the traditions will be. I know that some will evolve with time, but I want Christmas morning to be the time of opening gifts and stockings and seeing what Santa left you. I want us to then have a huge breakfast together, with baba and dido, and celebrate the most important part of the holiday season - family. I know there will be a time when we're going to seem so much less relevant. But until then, I'll do my best to show you the importance of family and maybe when the teenage years are over those morals will emerge again.

Maddy, I am frantically typing this at work over my lunch hour. When I get home there is dinner and savouring every second with you. Once you are asleep, then there is cleaning up after dinner, then laundry and other chores to do. But I don't want to lose this letter tradition. I want you to realize how important you are to all of us and I want you to read about your life as a baby, and where your parent's heads were then.

I love you more than I ever thought I could love. Ten months ago everything changed and our lives became complete with you here.

I love you, my Nunu.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

So much fun!

Every day Maddy becomes more and more fun!

The other day she was playing peek-a-boo with us, using the door. She'd sit behind the door and close it a bit. Then she'd crawl to the opening and we'd scream PEEK-A-BOO! and then she'd laugh. And then she'd close the door a bit more and crawl around it and we'd scream peek-a-boo... and laugh and laugh and laugh!

Yesterday in the bath Maddy was holding the sponge in her hand and would hit it against the side of the tub. When it dried, she'd dip it in the water again and listen to the sounds. Then she compared the sound that her hand made hitting the tub to the sponge and alternated the hitting. She EXPERIMENTED! She's exploring and learning her world.

Tonight dada was bathing her, and he was holding the ball under the water and letting it go. It would fly up out of the water and dada would scream peek-a-boo (a favorite in our household) and Maddy would laugh and laugh and laugh.

Everything is so much fun for her! When she notices the bathroom door open, she makes a beeline for the forbidden room. But she's not very sneaky about it, she makes an insistent "mmhmmm mmhhhmmmm" and the thunk thunk of her hands and knees moving on overdrive. Same for the dishwasher, another forbidden fun. It's adorable! Her little butt wiggles at lightening speed and she makes her way there.

And the faces she's making, as she gets to know her new teeth. Sucking her mouth into an exaggerated fishy mouth, moving her bottom lip as close to her nose as she could get and every variant in between. It's all... fun and adorable! Adorable and fun! It's all just so wonderful, to spend time with my most amazing little girl.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Snow day!

Well, not really. It's not snowing (but it is bitterly cold) and I am not at home because of the weather but because of baba's doctors appointment. But still, I am home with my girl today! There are loads and loads of things to do. Stuff around the house, cleaning and Christmas cards. Then after her appointment, baba is coming over so I can head out to the malls and shop. Not for me, of course, but to finish (as much as I can) the Christmas shopping. And then home, to make dinner. And back to the working world tomorrow! But between all the stuff, I am going to sing and play and tickle and talk to my most amazing little girl. In celebration, here are a few recent pics of Maddy. I have been negligent in my picture posting of late.

 TEETH! The tops ones are coming in well, too.

 See the slober? Teething!

Maddy in front of the patio door. But what is that on the glass?  

THAT is what is on the glass! 

Our girl

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A-fishin' we will go!

Madds is into everything. We have, for the most part, put everything above her reach, in locked cabinets or behind closed doors. And while Neil was diligent about closing the bathroom door I was less so. I liked the sun coming through (it is our only east facing window) and keeps the main floor feeling more open (to me).

One day, a week or so ago, the three of us were relaxing in the living room. Maddy wandered off to get into something and I listened for her tell-tale sounds. Boing-boing? In her room, playing with the door stopper. Bang-Bang? Hitting the mirror in the hall, playing with the baby in the wall. Thunk? Taking her shoes off the shelf and throwing them to the ground. But I heard.... nothing. Wait... was that a splash? I went to find the mess she was getting into. And I found my baby-girl. In the bathroom. With the toilet seat up, standing at the bowl. Playing in the water. What was she playing with? Here's where it gets even worse... she was flicking my used kleenexes, discarded in the toilet when I was too lazy to open the lid on the garbage.

I feel assured that Madds only flicked the kleenex, nothing more, since she was out of our sight for only seconds. But, Madds, please forgive me for not shutting the bathroom door. Rest assured, when the kiddo is awake, the door is always closed. Always!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Living for the weekend

It has been so wonderful to be with Maddy all day, again. Yesterday we went and visited a brand new baby boy. It got the ole uterus twitching and itching. But in the sober light of a 7am Sunday morning, the baby-making machine is once again closed for business (for now). Then there was dinner with friends, their families, and my parents at the parent's house. It was wonderful to see Caleb and Kiran (and their moms). I miss the playdates so much. Seeing another child, learning from friends, and just getting the reassurance that things are ok and Madds is progressing as she should. And today we did a few errands out and around the house. We went for lunch to a new Vietnamese place, Mini-Mango, which was really good! Madds had her first Pho. And? She LOVED it. I mean squealing, wiggle-butt dancing, and waving for joy with every mouthful. When I was preggo I ate a LOT of pho, so that may be it.

Maddy is crazy amounts of fun. She's babbling almost constantly now! And the noises are so fun. She's starting to try to mimic faces and sounds. Of course, she only mimics the most obnoxious noises that she hears... but that's her way. Today we went and grabbed the weekly groceries. Madds was in the seat of the cart and was obviously tired. She'd lean in some sort of fierce pimp-lean and look blankly forward. Until we bundled her up and went outside. Madds had her head back as the small snow flakes landed on her face. And the snow was hilarious! Her mouth was open in pure joy and she was giggling. There is something wonderful about seeing your child happy - it's a joy that goes to your very core. Neil and I were smiling and laughing with Madds. Even strangers walking by smiled at her innocent glee.

Madds has 4 teeth now! Her bottom 2 are all the way out, her top 2 are almost there. Well, we see the footprint of one and the corner of the other. The top teeth are larger than the bottom ones, and there may be a gap between the teeth. We won't know for sure until they are finished migrating but it's looking quite British from this angle.

I have to admit, Saturday morning it was hard to switch gears and remember what to take and plan to have an outing with the Nunu. In some ways, it felt almost foreign to have her with me again. But it only took a short time before I remembered it all and felt like a pro once more. And now we're preparing for bed, another Monday will be here too soon. Then just 5 days until I get my girl full time again! We're now just living for the weekend.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

It still goes

Life? It still goes on. Even when I feel like I am not getting everything done. Like I am more tired than I have been since Maddy was born. Like I should be doing so much but have no energy. Like this is maybe going to be normal.

This weather is pretty horrible for getting home. But yesterday I left my office at 433pm and got home at 523pm. Today I left the office at 428pm and made it home by 502pm. Five minutes saved me twenty... But don't worry - I worked through my breaks and part of my lunch. I am not really screwing over tax payers. I will be working slightly modified hours, an extra 20 minutes a day and I'll get one day off a month in lieu. Which is perfect for a mom with a girl who needs her.

I am liking the new job. It's a positive work environment (so far) and while interesting the work isn't so far outside my comfort zone that I will be coming home exhausted. Although there is little of interest to report. I am trying to eat better and lose more weight and mostly successful except for the buy one, get one free holiday latte deal at Starbucks. And a group of coworkers who needed one more person to even it out. But eggnog latte? Yum! The renewed motivation to lose it to fit work clothes. I feel like I am pregnant again, in that I have about 6 outfits to wear. Although there are comfy (fitting) jeans for casual Friday tomorrow.

This semblance of normal is only possible because of my mom. She comes here in the morning, she cares for Maddy perfectly, she stays until we get here, she accepts all my calls to hear how Maddy is doing, she helps around the house (taking out meat, washing dishes, tidying after Maddy). She is perfect! And I am the luckiest woman alive to have her as a mom and Maddy's grandmother.

And Maddy is doing so well. She's happy and growing and standing and into everything and babbling and squealing. Tonight she said her first sentence! And a multi-lingual one at that. "Dada nein nein Baba". My dad is not my baba! Profound.

Well... dishes to do, bedding to change, dogs nails to trim, lunches to make... Life of a working mom to live.

Monday, November 15, 2010


I went to work today.

My mom came over at about 7am, and I got myself ready to go. It was hard to leave. So hard to leave. My eyes filled with tears as I shut the back door behind me. When I got to the garage, I turned around and waved, again, at baba and Maddy in the kitchen window. Then I sat in the car and let a few tears flow.

I made it to work at about 810am and my day started. I met too many people to remember, chatted and small talked with a few. I read a lot about grants, I tried to absorb most of it. And I looked at pictures of Maddy a lot. I thought of her, what she was doing, what her mood was like. I called home only twice and spoke to her and mom.

My boss let me leave 5 minutes early and I rushed home! When I got in I ran into the living room and grabbed Maddy and held her as tightly as I could. And then the crazy began - I made dinner, we ate, I played with Maddy. And I soaked in every second I spent with her. I held her and made her giggle. I crawled with her, and tickled her toes and tummy. I gave Mady her bath, and held her close. And then too quickly, way too quickly, it was bedtime. I sang her lullaby through the tears and laid her down. Now I have laundry and dishes and cleaning and blogging and everything else to do.

And I miss Maddy.

But I made it through day one, and I will return for day 2. Everyone there seems wonderful and the ministry is a positive one. I have the option of starting when I need to, to balance daycare, and can get one flex day a month. I think I'll enjoy it there! But missing Maddy is almost overshadowing the positive.

I am now living for Saturday, when I can spend the whole day with my girl and husband. Being a working mom has started. Fuck, it's hard.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Today is a day to remember and tonight is a night to try to forget

Today is Remembrance Day. At 11am Maddy sat on my lap and I started to try explain to her why we remember. Instead tears came and I held her tightly. So many mothers have lost their children, and now I can understand how that would tear your soul apart.

The rest of the day I tried to forget how soon I go back to work. Tomorrow is my last day of being a stay at home mom. Tomorrow is the end of my time at home with Maddy. And the day is going to be filled with errands. Going to buy my mom a carseat and then going to 2 daycares (way to save that until the last minute...). It's tearing me apart, to leave her. I feel guilt for taking away the remaining 9 weeks of leave I could have with her. Nine weeks of watching her smile and laugh and crawl and walk. I am going to likely miss her first steps, the first time she walks from one piece of furniture to another, her first words, so many firsts... and I could have seen then, if I didn't go back to work. And I am feeling envy, for the moms I know that get to stay with their kids still. They will still get together, still be able to enjoy their time with their kiddos, still delay returning to the real world. And I am looking forward to this new job, this new opportunity. And I think that is that hardest part. I am looking forward to something that is taking me away from my daughter prematurely. And the guilt of being a working mom starts...

Maddy has been struggling with the time change. She's up at 530am (UGH!) and I have been getting up with her, to resettle her. This morning I woke at 5am, and waited for the 30 minutes until she woke. And then couldn't fall back asleep. I am tired. And then add PMS. And guilt. And I am a bit of a mess. Ok. A lot of a mess.

It's going to be a hard... and then it'll get even harder when I am working and still feel the compulsion to get it all done. But other moms have done it, and I know I will too. Because I have to. For Maddy.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Stats update

Weight - 21 pounds, 9 ounces which is about 86 percentile
Length - 72.7cm which is about 78 percentile

Yes, the units of measurement are different, I went by what the clinic told me. Still doing awesome, Madds!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Awesome baby is awesome!

Madds is getting a tooth up top (her third one coming!) and has been spending a lot of time running her tongue over it. In the most adorable way!

I love this little girl more than I ever imagined.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

40 weeks

Maddy was inside me for about 40 weeks. She's now been outside me for about 40 weeks. I have now been not pregnant as long as I was.

It's reaching the point where I can fondly think back about being pregnant and miss it. The sleepless nights, peeing, bleeding gums, exhaustion, inability to walk at a reasonable speed, aching hips and back, swollen feet... all seems so much more distant than the wonderful feeling of your child moving and kicking and hiccuping inside you. That endless connection to another person - the one time in life where your body contains 2 souls (if you believe in that kinda thing).

No, I am not ready for a second child. Our house doesn't have the room for it. Which means moving, which means a higher mortgage. Or massive renovations. And then add the cost of 2 daycare spots? Punishing. Not feasible, if we want to have a life and travel and save and add to RRSPs. How do people do it? Back to the point...

My body has been mine for a long time now. How is it doing? Well, when I got pregnant I was too heavy. I am just 3 pounds heavier than I was the day after I peed on the stick and 2 ponds lighter than I was at my first prenatal doctor's appointment. So, I am where I started but where I started? Not a healthy place. I have renewed motivation to lose, as I still can't really fit into my pre-pregnancy work clothes. Same weight? Very different shape... Plus, I have the most amazing little girl to be healthy for. I want to live a long and robust life for her and for my (possible) future grandchildren. And my complication after the pregnancy is slowly getting better - still in physio, still having to do my exercises (which I need to do better in remembering), still getting stronger. I am not "normal" but I am good.

Inside I am another person. I look at the world not in how it will affect me, but how it will affect my daughter. Everything looks different to me now. I care more about my health than I ever have - I floss, I have no interest in smoking ever again, I want to be more active. I care about what I do - I have to lead by example, and I look at my actions in the light of "would I want Maddy to do this?".  While I am proud of my accomplishments, when I see Maddy achieve something, like stand or roll or sit, the sense of joy is tangible, greater than it ever was for something I did. Being a mother is awe inspiring that way.

80 weeks of Maddy, half of that inside me and the other half outside me. What a crazy ride... I am someone's MOM. I am an amazing little girl's mom. And I am so lucky.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Oh no...

She CLIMBS now!