Today

I went to work today.

My mom came over at about 7am, and I got myself ready to go. It was hard to leave. So hard to leave. My eyes filled with tears as I shut the back door behind me. When I got to the garage, I turned around and waved, again, at baba and Maddy in the kitchen window. Then I sat in the car and let a few tears flow.

I made it to work at about 810am and my day started. I met too many people to remember, chatted and small talked with a few. I read a lot about grants, I tried to absorb most of it. And I looked at pictures of Maddy a lot. I thought of her, what she was doing, what her mood was like. I called home only twice and spoke to her and mom.

My boss let me leave 5 minutes early and I rushed home! When I got in I ran into the living room and grabbed Maddy and held her as tightly as I could. And then the crazy began - I made dinner, we ate, I played with Maddy. And I soaked in every second I spent with her. I held her and made her giggle. I crawled with her, and tickled her toes and tummy. I gave Mady her bath, and held her close. And then too quickly, way too quickly, it was bedtime. I sang her lullaby through the tears and laid her down. Now I have laundry and dishes and cleaning and blogging and everything else to do.

And I miss Maddy.

But I made it through day one, and I will return for day 2. Everyone there seems wonderful and the ministry is a positive one. I have the option of starting when I need to, to balance daycare, and can get one flex day a month. I think I'll enjoy it there! But missing Maddy is almost overshadowing the positive.

I am now living for Saturday, when I can spend the whole day with my girl and husband. Being a working mom has started. Fuck, it's hard.