Today is Remembrance Day. At 11am Maddy sat on my lap and I started to try explain to her why we remember. Instead tears came and I held her tightly. So many mothers have lost their children, and now I can understand how that would tear your soul apart.
The rest of the day I tried to forget how soon I go back to work. Tomorrow is my last day of being a stay at home mom. Tomorrow is the end of my time at home with Maddy. And the day is going to be filled with errands. Going to buy my mom a carseat and then going to 2 daycares (way to save that until the last minute...). It's tearing me apart, to leave her. I feel guilt for taking away the remaining 9 weeks of leave I could have with her. Nine weeks of watching her smile and laugh and crawl and walk. I am going to likely miss her first steps, the first time she walks from one piece of furniture to another, her first words, so many firsts... and I could have seen then, if I didn't go back to work. And I am feeling envy, for the moms I know that get to stay with their kids still. They will still get together, still be able to enjoy their time with their kiddos, still delay returning to the real world. And I am looking forward to this new job, this new opportunity. And I think that is that hardest part. I am looking forward to something that is taking me away from my daughter prematurely. And the guilt of being a working mom starts...
Maddy has been struggling with the time change. She's up at 530am (UGH!) and I have been getting up with her, to resettle her. This morning I woke at 5am, and waited for the 30 minutes until she woke. And then couldn't fall back asleep. I am tired. And then add PMS. And guilt. And I am a bit of a mess. Ok. A lot of a mess.
It's going to be a hard... and then it'll get even harder when I am working and still feel the compulsion to get it all done. But other moms have done it, and I know I will too. Because I have to. For Maddy.