Thursday, November 4, 2010

40 weeks

Maddy was inside me for about 40 weeks. She's now been outside me for about 40 weeks. I have now been not pregnant as long as I was.

It's reaching the point where I can fondly think back about being pregnant and miss it. The sleepless nights, peeing, bleeding gums, exhaustion, inability to walk at a reasonable speed, aching hips and back, swollen feet... all seems so much more distant than the wonderful feeling of your child moving and kicking and hiccuping inside you. That endless connection to another person - the one time in life where your body contains 2 souls (if you believe in that kinda thing).

No, I am not ready for a second child. Our house doesn't have the room for it. Which means moving, which means a higher mortgage. Or massive renovations. And then add the cost of 2 daycare spots? Punishing. Not feasible, if we want to have a life and travel and save and add to RRSPs. How do people do it? Back to the point...

My body has been mine for a long time now. How is it doing? Well, when I got pregnant I was too heavy. I am just 3 pounds heavier than I was the day after I peed on the stick and 2 ponds lighter than I was at my first prenatal doctor's appointment. So, I am where I started but where I started? Not a healthy place. I have renewed motivation to lose, as I still can't really fit into my pre-pregnancy work clothes. Same weight? Very different shape... Plus, I have the most amazing little girl to be healthy for. I want to live a long and robust life for her and for my (possible) future grandchildren. And my complication after the pregnancy is slowly getting better - still in physio, still having to do my exercises (which I need to do better in remembering), still getting stronger. I am not "normal" but I am good.

Inside I am another person. I look at the world not in how it will affect me, but how it will affect my daughter. Everything looks different to me now. I care more about my health than I ever have - I floss, I have no interest in smoking ever again, I want to be more active. I care about what I do - I have to lead by example, and I look at my actions in the light of "would I want Maddy to do this?".  While I am proud of my accomplishments, when I see Maddy achieve something, like stand or roll or sit, the sense of joy is tangible, greater than it ever was for something I did. Being a mother is awe inspiring that way.

80 weeks of Maddy, half of that inside me and the other half outside me. What a crazy ride... I am someone's MOM. I am an amazing little girl's mom. And I am so lucky.

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