Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Seriously, how cute is this kid? But please excuse the spit... she's learning.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Month Fifteen Letter

My dear Maddy girl,

You are 15 months old today! You are such a little girl. You have the walking thing down and are now working like mad to perfect your vocal talents. Tonight you said "turtle" for the first time, while in the bath. You are mimicking us like mad. Which has really made us watch our words. Even not-swear words we say would sound just horrible from your lips. But you will learn not-nice words. And I think I will laugh like mad the first times you say them! There are some random sounds you make, that sound like things you shouldn't say... we try not to encourage those sounds. But you are always chatting and telling us what you think. We may not understand what you're saying, but you definitely know what you mean. And you get so so so mad at us when we don't understand! The other day you lost it when you wanted Shreddies and I didn't know what you meant. Once I finally figured it out, it was bedtime. You sat on my lap sniffling and snuffling as you had your warm milk and shreddies and worked to forgive your mum for not understanding.

You are able to answer a few questions. Like"Maddy, what do sheep say?" and "Maddy, what do cows say?" and last one you can reliably answer is "Maddy, what sounds do trains make?". Your answers? ADORABLE. Even just to watch your little mouth make the sounds. Reminder, I have to capture it on video... And in daycare you'll learn more and more, from the kids and staff.

We celebrated your second Easter with us. And it was pretty low key. Lots of food, lots of family. No eggs or chocolate this year, but next? A new tradition? I never got eggs hunts as a kid, but I think would have been so much fun. It's reaching the time to experience our second version of events with you, we're starting to establish tradition. Our family tradition. Our family... It's all happening so fast. So perfectly, so wonderfully, so ideally... but so fast.

Well, Nunu, this month's birthday falls right in the peak of my snow-mold allergy reaction. And a spate of falling and injuring myself. So before my rambling becomes even more repetitive I will say happy 15 months, my girl. I love you endlessly and always.



Monday, April 25, 2011

Another molar - number 3

I have had FIVE days at home with my girl! And they have been awesome days. Thursday was daycare day, Friday was family day (which had lots of tickling, giggling and some grocery shopping), Saturday I went for brunch with friends and then it was the day to go for a walk, Sunday was Easter and all the stuff Easter brings (eating and eating) and today dada was back at work and mom, baba and Maddy went out. So much family time and relaxing and errands. There was a time long weekends were about staying up late, sleeping in, relaxing... maybe a brunch or dim sum. And talk of getting things done but never quite getting around to it. Being a parent changes it all.

This weekend has revolved around daycare starting in 1 week. What does that mean? How will it all change? Changing Maddy's routine already... I am nervous about Maddy and how she'll handle it all. I am nervous about her getting hurt - there are 11 other kids, most older than her. I am sad for my mom, who is already missing her Nunu. I am also sad for my dogs, who haven't been home alone for about 3 years now. We will adjust, we will be just fine. Eventually. Once I adjust. Yah, I think it's going to be hardest on me.

The other day at the park, when Maddy was crying because we put her in the swing, I managed to peer into her mouth and saw molar three emerging. I have to say, she must be getting used to it because other than loads of drool she's not at all grumpy. All 5 of us went for a walk and it worked! Except for the fact Maddy hated the park this time around. But she loved the breeze on her face while walking and watching the "bups" run around. And the bups? They loved getting outside for the first time in a long time. And this will have to be the norm now, loads more walks.

Life is wonderful, life is all about Maddy. And there isn't a thing I'd change.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Daycare visit? Done! And lunch box bought too.

This morning Maddy and I went to her new daycare to visit. The staff there are still just so amazing! And I am still completely confident about this choice. I put Maddy on the floor and off she went - exploring and playing and throwing everything everywhere. Then there was gym time, and I got to watch Maddy run around with a hockey stick or a ball. Never quite hitting the stick to ball, but she had fun nonetheless!

There are more boys than girls there - there were 6 boys and 1 girl there this morning. And one little boy (who is almost 17 months) took a little shine to Maddy, and would follow her around. But Maddy is still mostly in the play near versus play with phase. It'll be fun to watch that change over time.

Then we went home for a nap. Yes, both of us napped. I can't remember the time I last curled up with the pups and slept during the day! Then more errands (washing the car, getting gas, buying more pants for Maddy). And I got her lunch box! A friend suggested Old Navy for retro tin lunch boxes. At first glance I liked the orange crush one. BUT the I looked. It said "Everyone likes a (orange) crush" with orange being harder to see. And the grammatical error? My crazy self could not deal with it. There were a few candy themed ones. Or soda. In the end, I grabbed a Hello Kitty one. I still love the yoda one best, but this one will be good too.

And, really, life is good! Maddy has a wee break from teething (although the drooling is starting again... already!) and is her usual awesome self. Spring is in the air and the time of hibernating is coming to an end. We're getting more and more active, starting projects around the house, looking at the mountain of dog poo in the back yard that the retreating snow is uncovering. And "Ai" (aka Olivia) is on TV right now - Maddy is overjoyed! She can't say her own name yet, but keeps chanting "Ai". What a perfect Thursday-day-off!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Still coming to grips with no baby v2.0

I am still trying to understand how I feel about not being pregnant.

I feel a sense of relief. Baby would have been due December 25th-ish. I was a December baby, that was hard. A Christmas baby would mean v2.0 would never have had a separate birthday special time. And I am loving my new Ministry - I'd love to prove myself enough that I could maybe, one day, be permanent here. And my body is JUST starting to feel normal after Maddy. The hip pain is gone, my weight is just under where it was when I got pregnant (with a plan in place to keep the number going down), the complications slowly going back to the-new-normal. And 2 kiddos under 2. So so so many diapers. Drowning in diapers! And then formula again, and all the washing and sterilizing and still a Maddy who requires her own attention. And I like the fact that we're a happily 2 income family. We are ok, financially, and have the room to keep doing the little projects around the house. Going back to mat leave pay... then paying for 2 daycare spots... and 2 RESPs... We could do it, but there goes any wiggle room.

But all these "reasons" feel so selfish compared to how much I loved that little bean. How much I looked forward to watching my 2 kids grow up together and play and fight. Knowing that Maddy would have a sibling to be there for her one day, when we're gone (as long as they got along, of course). Really, in the end, just how much I loved that baby.

That all said, still no firm decision on whether we're stopping at a family of three or trying for a fourth.

And Maddy? She continues to be her awesome Maddy-self. Strong and independent and knowing what she wants. And not scared to lose it when we don't comply. It'll be a challenge to raise a daughter that is strong willed, without breaking that awesomeness.

Daycare start date is approaching fast and I have already warned my boss that I will be kinda weepy that week. That said, to distract myself about the fact strangers will be raising my girl, I am on the hunt for the PERFECT lunchbox for Maddy and am coming up very very short. I say this one at a friend's and love it

But as Neil points out, it's something I like - Maddy has never shown much interest in Star Wars. And it's out of stock anyway.

Then I looked for "Ai" ones (how Maddy says Olivia, the pig) but can't find one deep enough. Maddy also really loves Koalas. And pears. And "bups" (pups, to us). And nothing is grabbing my attention. What I don't want? Princesses and Pink and Sparkles and Unicorns. And gender stereotypes. If Maddy turns out to like those things, awesome! Pink everywhere! But I don't want her only option to be Pink, until she makes the choice herself. Or am I just being weird?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Anyone know the baby sign for Advil?

Maddy woke up at her usual 620am, but she woke up a little off. And as the morning progressed so did her off. This morning she demanded to be picked up, demanded to be put down, demanded "DIS", demanded whatever she could reach in her ever growing arm span... and when I refused to comply with the demands? She LOST HER MARBLES. Repeatedly. Frequently. Head thrown on the ground, wailing, tears and snot... The only time she was ok was when we went out to a friend's for a playdate. Although she was still a little off there still. She had a good nap (2 hours) and loads of food... and after mama figured it out, Advil.

Maddy demanded to be in my arms and she began to reach towards the cupboard where we keep her snacks. She flailed and fussed and no treat would satisfy her. No item to play with made her happy. And her frustration mounted...

Neil was changing her diaper and I brought in a syringe of advil, in case the grump was teething related. And Maddy calmed. For the first time that morning, she calmed. I carried her back into the kitchen and there was no more reaching. Soon after, I threw her down for a nap and hauled my ass to do errands (groceries). As I was driving, it hit me. Her reaching for the cupboard... was that for the advil? She calmed after the advil... Oh geez. Was our daughter asking for drugs?? Rudimentary conversation is nice, but it'll be even better when she can really tell us.

But days like today? They are great forms of birth control... I can't even imagine days like today if there were 2.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I peed

I couldn't wait.

And it's no. One line, no baby. Not pregnant.

My cycle should start right away.

And I still don't really know how I feel about it. Some relief, a lot of sadness.

I really, really, really loved that baby that never was.

Today I bought a stick

And tomorrow morning I pee on it.*

I was sure I was feeling my period starting yesterday. And now this morning? Not as much. Maybe?

And I still am not sure how I feel about it all. There are times where I am filled with pure joy! Another Nunu! A bro/sis for Maddy, another child to shower love on, and while the next few years may be harder then there will be the 2 kiddos to amuse each other and be there for each other. We CAN DO IT! We'll figure out another bedroom for v2.0, we'll find the money for another daycare/dayhome spot and another RESP account. We'll do it.

And then there are times where I think about starting over. The aching tiredness of pregnancy. Then labour and the pain that comes with healing. And lochia, the fighting to breastfeed, the sleepless nights, the tiredness, the sleep training... All this while caring for Maddy too. A strong and spirited Maddy. And we kind of have a routine now. One where I know what to expect and when. We fought HARD for this routine.

And that is if v2.0 is an easy going baby. What if he/she has health issues. Omg, what if they have health issues... We were so lucky with Maddy. She's a healthy little girl. Not real concerns at all! Or what if they are healthy but are a bad sleeper. Or a bad eater. Or colicky (again). Colic... oh how I hated colic.

And then there is the irrational (and I know it's irrational) fear that we're cheating Maddy somehow. That another child will take away from the love and attention she should get. Will she hate us for giving her a sibling? But what if she hates us if we don't?

I went to a drugstore near work to buy it. I also bought a nail file and lipstick so I wasn't just buying a stick. I went to the cosmetics counter to pay, it's quieter there. And I tried to act all nonchalant, but I get nervous when I think people may be thinking I am doing something wrong. Let me clarify, like at airport security. I never have touched a bomb, let alone tried to fly with one. But I get nervous, maybe they will think I have one. Maybe someone slipped it in my bag, even though I never leave my bag unattended. OMG they are going to search me in a violating way because I am acting nervous. OK, that just made me more nervous... And so on. So as I, a happily married and stable woman with a great hubby and a kid already, pay I start acting like a 15 year old who is still in high school. Argh!

But the stick is bought.

*Maybe tonight, if I can't wait. Although I have made it this far so many I can stubborn my way to tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Fever in the morning! Fever all through the... well... day

Maddy had a rough night last night. She was up a few times, calling out. Once, she called out for Roger (Og!) and I heard some rustling before she settled. But she always settled and so I didn't go down. This morning when I went to get her out of her crib (earlier than usual) she was burning hot. Achingly, painfully hot. 39.4C. BUT she was also in her winter level sleeper (with a TOG of 3.0) and it was warm in the house. I took her out, gave her some water and took her temp again. 38.3C, so just a little high. But she was lethargic and listless and not at all normal. I gave her advil, which quickly took her temp down. And the rest of the day was spent at home and she was ok. Too ok to take her to the doctor but not ok enough for me to go to work or take her out of the house. She wandered around bored, watched more TV than she should have (bad mum), drank as much water and juice as I could get into her. After a 1.5 hour afternoon nap she woke again with a wee fever. More liquids, more healthy foods, more snuggles and she was back to normal, without more medication.

Our first fever... done! I am not sure if tomorrow will be feverful too, but for now she's asleep and ok. And now I can understand the look of pain on my mother's face when I was sick. It's agony to see your child ill, uncomfortable... I kept wishing I could take the pain from her. How cliche is that?

Although it also was kinda nice to have my girl cuddle. She sat on my lap, hugging Og and sucking her thumb for a good chunk of the day. But it was not worth the fever. Not one bit.

Monday, April 11, 2011

I made it... barely

On Sunday my mom, dad, Neil and I went out. Without Maddy. During the day. To a play! But I left my baby girl with a non-family member.

And it was hard.

When we got there I got nauseous. And while I didn't call home, I wanted to. So many times. I was worried how grumpy Maddy would be. I was worried something would go wrong. I missed my girl. The nausea didn't abate until we were leaving. As soon as we got home I ran into the house to see my girl. And? She looked at me and then wandered off. Well, I missed her enough for the both of us.

It'll get better, I'll get used to it. And it's healthy to get away. Although I think that I still will make more plans when Maddy is sleeping and less during the day. I cherish my time with my girl - I don't get that many waking hours with her and I don't want to lose what I have.

And, still, we're in the 2 week wait. I have debated buying sticks but can't make myself until at least Friday. I just won't believe anything that the stick would say right now. So... a few more days of waiting. Tonight I wanted a glass of wine, but couldn't. I have a splitting headache, but can't make myself take anything but regular aspirin and that doesn't really work. And I want sushi. Badly.

The strangest thing, I can talk about this wait on this blog, openly, but struggle to get the words out to people in person. Ah well, in a few days we'll know. If yes, in a few weeks I'll be able to tell everyone. If no, then we'll have some serious decisions to make.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

More new for the nunu!

Maddy is once again (still?) teething. But her one molar is completely out and the other, on the bottom, is almost out. But there is still quite a bit of gum over the tooth. However, teething + a meh nap = GRUMP. Despite the grump she still does something new and awesome everyday! Today? It was JUMP.

For a long time Maddy has found jumping hilarious. When we jump near her, laughter. When we jump holding her? More laughter! And today, she jumped all on her own! Did she get much air? Hells no... but she thought it was crazy fun. She'd bend her knees and quickly straighten them. Sometimes one foot would leave the earth, sometimes she stayed firmly on the floor. But it's something new, something fun, something she figured out all her own. So much she's just... picking up on her own. I don't know what I thought, that I would have to teach her things like jumping? That it would take explaining, not just her watching us and figuring it out... but what it is, it is awesome!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Am I?

Well, it's been almost a week... a week or so until we find out for certain.

Am I?

I have had bouts of nausea. But wasn't I feeling a little sick before? I am cutting back on the amount I eat and then when there are treats in the office I go all Pavlov's dog and my stomach growls. And I have added corn back into my diet after a 10 year allergy to it, which may be setting me off.

Am I?

And I am tired. But with the longer days both Neil and I have been staying up later than we used to. And I am not sleeping all that well, but neither are other people I speak to, as the seasons change.

Am I?

And I have had mild uterine... twinges. Did this happen last time? Was I ovulating this week (I can sometimes feel that). Or is it some kind of implantation/hormonal thing?

Am I?


The question will be on the top of my mind for the next week or so.

Am I?

And if I am, what does that mean? There are moments when I am filled with joy at the thought of a new nunu. I will have so many fewer fears and irrational thoughts. I will have some idea what to do, and how I will react to it all. I know every kid is different, but the mama will be the same. I will be (hopefully) more able to enjoy every second of nunu part deux. And watching my two children grow up together... hopefully they would have a good relationship and be close. Bathing them together, listening to them chatter in the back seat and fight over who is on whose side. If it would be a little girl... watching her and Maddy grow up together, sharing secrets and clothes, playing dolls together, one day talking about boys. Or a little boy... watching Maddy make him play tea party, watching my little boy run and climb and all those adventurous things that little boys do.

Am I?

And if I am not... how will I feel about that? I have started to love this possible baby so much already. But I am also pretty sure that if this isn't the time that nunu part deux is created that I am ready to commit to being a family of three. I don't think I could handle the stress of trying and waiting for two weeks and maybe not succeeding... And not even I could mess up THREE times.

Could I?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Who the HELL puts me in charge of these things anyway??!

Here is possibly one of those too much information posts. Be warned.

Neil and I have given ourselves this year to decide about a second child. We have talked about the pros (another little one to love, a sibling for Maddy) and the cons (the cost, the fact that life will be exponentially busier, the fact that as 2 only children we have NO CLUE about siblings) but have never really made a firm decision. Although we lean heavily to the three of us being enough. We have until the end of the year to decide.

Jump back to May, 2 years ago. I was tracking on a website my cycle to avoid pregnancy but kinda forgot to enter my cycle one month... and then kinda lost track of time... and kinda told Neil that it's totally a SAFE time to well... you know... and we kinda made a Nunu.

Move ahead to this last weekend. I am now much more advanced and am tracking my cycle on my phone. The IS an app for that. And I check my app frequently, just to make sure it's a safe time. Although with a 14 month old, even when there is a safe time there is often a lack of energy. I was certain I was safe, I was certain I checked my app on Friday and it said this weekend is free and clear.

Step back just one day to Monday. Sunday night I had heartbrun for one of the first times since labour. During pregnancy I had heartburn all the time. The yesterday Neil came home from work, saying that during the day he had a moment where he was certain he wanted a nunu version 2.0. Daily I have that flash of certainty in wanting, but it's just a flash. Since Saturday, I have been a little paranoid about thinking maybe we could have made a nunu (that is such an inidication of how infrequent the activity in question is) and I mentioned that paranoia to Neil. Tonight when I came home, somehow we got on the topic of my app and to PROVE to Neil that it really was a totally safe time to... well... you know... I pulled out my phone, opened my app and showed him. I showed him that the night we... well... you know... was the night before I ovulated. Which is one of my most fertile nights in the month. Damn.

Neil then became absolutely convinced that we are now expecting baby 2. There was much angst and joy and excitement and fear and smiling and hand wringing. There was a moment where Neil tried to hide under a trivet. There was a point where he poured himself (and me) a gin and tonic. I did not point out to him that pouring ME a drink at the time when he became convinced I was pregant was a little counter intuitive. Then he went on to talk about what would this mean in our house with only 2 usable bedrooms? Do we do renos? Do we move? What can we afford if we move? What would life look like with TWO kids?

So, I don't think Neil will let me HUG him until he checks my app now.

And if it did happened, my due date would be December 26th.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Choo choo!

Maddy has reached the questioning phase. Every day, everything is "dat?" or "dis?" and a cute little finger pointing. Anything is fair game to be explained. Pictures on walls, walls, lights, appliances and a favorite to question? Images in books.

There are books she loves - alphabet books. She grabs one, waves it at us until we obey and then we read. With the images I'll often make sounds or noises to match. A current favorite is "T".

There are three images in the book. Toothbrush, Turtle and Train.

When I read toothbrush, I make a brushing sound. When I read turtle I can't think of a good noise so I make none. But when I read train? I go "Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga choo-choo, CHOO-CHOO!" Maddy loves that one, and tries to mimic the sound I make, although it sounds more like "chugg chugg".

Tonight we were reading another little book and we were stopped at a page, she was pointing at everything and asking "dis?".

She pointed to the elephant. "Dis?" and I said elephant. And baby. And cloud. And then I said train. Maddy stopped, looked into my eyes and said "chugg chugg!" with great pride.

And that is when my eyes filled with tears.

Everyday she does something new that is awesome. Tonight I was carrying dinner to the table and called for her, and asked her to come to the dining room to eat. And she came. She chugg chugg'ed. She ate her slices of pear at dinner. She played with a mayonnaise jar. 

She is just an amazing, learning, funny and sweet little girl.

Who can't QUITE reach the bath toys in the bath yet.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Pics and pics and pics of Maddy!

It's been awhile since pics have been posted. So... happy Friday!

We got some sad news today (no worries, everyone is perfectly fine) so we had a pan of homemade brownies with icing and with wine and pear cider. And giggles with the Maddy, because that makes everything better. And with the giggles came the camera!

 Maddy up close (with smudge on her nose). 

 If you look CLOSELY at her bottom gums, you can see tooth number 4 on the bottom front and the the bumps of the 2 molars. 

This one? I just like how it looks photoshopped in from an old picture. And since I don't have photoshop (or any program to edit pictures) it's even more fun to me!
Plus, I can see a glimmer of the adult Maddy in the blur. 

Maddy at the front door, enjoying the start of spring!  

Nie nie Maddy and Roger. Nie nie.