Thursday, April 14, 2011

Today I bought a stick

And tomorrow morning I pee on it.*

I was sure I was feeling my period starting yesterday. And now this morning? Not as much. Maybe?

And I still am not sure how I feel about it all. There are times where I am filled with pure joy! Another Nunu! A bro/sis for Maddy, another child to shower love on, and while the next few years may be harder then there will be the 2 kiddos to amuse each other and be there for each other. We CAN DO IT! We'll figure out another bedroom for v2.0, we'll find the money for another daycare/dayhome spot and another RESP account. We'll do it.

And then there are times where I think about starting over. The aching tiredness of pregnancy. Then labour and the pain that comes with healing. And lochia, the fighting to breastfeed, the sleepless nights, the tiredness, the sleep training... All this while caring for Maddy too. A strong and spirited Maddy. And we kind of have a routine now. One where I know what to expect and when. We fought HARD for this routine.

And that is if v2.0 is an easy going baby. What if he/she has health issues. Omg, what if they have health issues... We were so lucky with Maddy. She's a healthy little girl. Not real concerns at all! Or what if they are healthy but are a bad sleeper. Or a bad eater. Or colicky (again). Colic... oh how I hated colic.

And then there is the irrational (and I know it's irrational) fear that we're cheating Maddy somehow. That another child will take away from the love and attention she should get. Will she hate us for giving her a sibling? But what if she hates us if we don't?

I went to a drugstore near work to buy it. I also bought a nail file and lipstick so I wasn't just buying a stick. I went to the cosmetics counter to pay, it's quieter there. And I tried to act all nonchalant, but I get nervous when I think people may be thinking I am doing something wrong. Let me clarify, like at airport security. I never have touched a bomb, let alone tried to fly with one. But I get nervous, maybe they will think I have one. Maybe someone slipped it in my bag, even though I never leave my bag unattended. OMG they are going to search me in a violating way because I am acting nervous. OK, that just made me more nervous... And so on. So as I, a happily married and stable woman with a great hubby and a kid already, pay I start acting like a 15 year old who is still in high school. Argh!

But the stick is bought.

*Maybe tonight, if I can't wait. Although I have made it this far so many I can stubborn my way to tomorrow morning.

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