It's me - your overly busy and underly writing mom. Maddy! You are almost 5 and a HALF. Which is a super duper big deal to you. And it's amazing to watch you grow...
I remember months... years? Years ago I questioned when your confidence would change. Your certainty and unwavering belief in yourself. And it's starting to...
You are now aware of the fact that other people, outside of you and us, see you and evaluate you. And you, like most of us, are super concerned about what they think.
Your friends think you scribble when you draw? Well, you sort of do, it's so much better but not perfect. And that is ok! You are not confident of your fine motor skills and say you can't do it (when you can, if you concentrate). But you remember this, obsess over this, get sad at your friends saying you scribble. You remember all the bad things that have happened. A mean word, a snub, someone not listening to you... You bring them up, you get upset all over again. You hold on to it all...
We try to tell you to let go of the bad. Easier said than done. We try to make you think of the positive things that happened. "None" you say.
But, really, most of the time you are a happy and confident kid. SO outgoing, so much personality, such a complete and utterly natural exuberant person. But the filters are starting, the need for approval is starting... Your worry is starting.
In happier news, you are still the funniest kid I know. You whistle constantly. If not whistling, then talking, always moving. Always questioning. You have started asking the definitions of all words you don't know. Trying to understand their context. Which has lead to fun conversations about religion ("Mama, which religion am I?"), life ("Mama, where does life come from?") and death ("Mama, what happens when you die?").
We have you officially registered in kindergarten (WOO!) and we have you registered in your new daycare - in the end we had to move you over. And that is ok too. You can stay with your friends there.
We have already started the preparation to have you leave Odg at home. No Odg to kindergarten. You are ok with it now, but the one day we forgot Odg at home and you went to daycare without him? Baba had to come by with him. Which, of course, meant that once you saw baba you just wanted to leave and you made baba PROMISE to come get you early that day. Which? She did.
Of course she did!
I have to say, Maddy, you have the best most amazing and supportive and loving grandparents. They are always there for you, and that means they are always there for us parents too. And you love spending time with them. And I love to see that. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents but there wasn't a lot of interaction. They did their thing, I played by myself. Watching you and baba and dido play and laugh and joke... it's wonderful.
This weekend we had special "daddy-daughter" date and "mommy-maddy" date (alliteration FTW). You and your dad watch Cinderella. You were not as taken with it as you were Frozen. And for us Maddy? We did... errands. Went to get a few things at Superstore, then to Toys R Us (for shopkins) and then for a hair cut. But you LOVED the individual time and were devastated that your parent-kiddo dates were DONE. "And they will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN". Um... no. Just not on a school day!
Every time we say no, it becomes an absolute.
Can I have milk? No. I will never get milk AGAIN!?
Can I get a toy? No. I WILL NEVER GET A TOY AGAIN!??
No. Maddy. Not what was said.
You're also at the place where you are testing yourself physically. You run away from us, you hide. And when you do that I try to keep my eye on you but still move from where you expect me to be. And I watch you run and stretch those ties to us. Then stop, and look where I was for reassurance. I want you to know that I can more too - that if you run too far I may not be in your line of sight. I watch your face become uncertain... I watch you look for me. But only for a second, then mama is back and with you and holding your hand and making sure you understand you need to stay close.
But Maddy, you are loved. You are adored and cared for and encouraged and provide boundaries with elastic borders and... you are just plain old loved.