Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Still coming to grips with no baby v2.0

I am still trying to understand how I feel about not being pregnant.

I feel a sense of relief. Baby would have been due December 25th-ish. I was a December baby, that was hard. A Christmas baby would mean v2.0 would never have had a separate birthday special time. And I am loving my new Ministry - I'd love to prove myself enough that I could maybe, one day, be permanent here. And my body is JUST starting to feel normal after Maddy. The hip pain is gone, my weight is just under where it was when I got pregnant (with a plan in place to keep the number going down), the complications slowly going back to the-new-normal. And 2 kiddos under 2. So so so many diapers. Drowning in diapers! And then formula again, and all the washing and sterilizing and still a Maddy who requires her own attention. And I like the fact that we're a happily 2 income family. We are ok, financially, and have the room to keep doing the little projects around the house. Going back to mat leave pay... then paying for 2 daycare spots... and 2 RESPs... We could do it, but there goes any wiggle room.

But all these "reasons" feel so selfish compared to how much I loved that little bean. How much I looked forward to watching my 2 kids grow up together and play and fight. Knowing that Maddy would have a sibling to be there for her one day, when we're gone (as long as they got along, of course). Really, in the end, just how much I loved that baby.

That all said, still no firm decision on whether we're stopping at a family of three or trying for a fourth.

And Maddy? She continues to be her awesome Maddy-self. Strong and independent and knowing what she wants. And not scared to lose it when we don't comply. It'll be a challenge to raise a daughter that is strong willed, without breaking that awesomeness.

Daycare start date is approaching fast and I have already warned my boss that I will be kinda weepy that week. That said, to distract myself about the fact strangers will be raising my girl, I am on the hunt for the PERFECT lunchbox for Maddy and am coming up very very short. I say this one at a friend's and love it

But as Neil points out, it's something I like - Maddy has never shown much interest in Star Wars. And it's out of stock anyway.

Then I looked for "Ai" ones (how Maddy says Olivia, the pig) but can't find one deep enough. Maddy also really loves Koalas. And pears. And "bups" (pups, to us). And nothing is grabbing my attention. What I don't want? Princesses and Pink and Sparkles and Unicorns. And gender stereotypes. If Maddy turns out to like those things, awesome! Pink everywhere! But I don't want her only option to be Pink, until she makes the choice herself. Or am I just being weird?

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