Life? It still goes on. Even when I feel like I am not getting everything done. Like I am more tired than I have been since Maddy was born. Like I should be doing so much but have no energy. Like this is maybe going to be normal.
This weather is pretty horrible for getting home. But yesterday I left my office at 433pm and got home at 523pm. Today I left the office at 428pm and made it home by 502pm. Five minutes saved me twenty... But don't worry - I worked through my breaks and part of my lunch. I am not really screwing over tax payers. I will be working slightly modified hours, an extra 20 minutes a day and I'll get one day off a month in lieu. Which is perfect for a mom with a girl who needs her.
I am liking the new job. It's a positive work environment (so far) and while interesting the work isn't so far outside my comfort zone that I will be coming home exhausted. Although there is little of interest to report. I am trying to eat better and lose more weight and mostly successful except for the buy one, get one free holiday latte deal at Starbucks. And a group of coworkers who needed one more person to even it out. But eggnog latte? Yum! The renewed motivation to lose it to fit work clothes. I feel like I am pregnant again, in that I have about 6 outfits to wear. Although there are comfy (fitting) jeans for casual Friday tomorrow.
This semblance of normal is only possible because of my mom. She comes here in the morning, she cares for Maddy perfectly, she stays until we get here, she accepts all my calls to hear how Maddy is doing, she helps around the house (taking out meat, washing dishes, tidying after Maddy). She is perfect! And I am the luckiest woman alive to have her as a mom and Maddy's grandmother.
And Maddy is doing so well. She's happy and growing and standing and into everything and babbling and squealing. Tonight she said her first sentence! And a multi-lingual one at that. "Dada nein nein Baba". My dad is not my baba! Profound.
Well... dishes to do, bedding to change, dogs nails to trim, lunches to make... Life of a working mom to live.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Today
I went to work today.
My mom came over at about 7am, and I got myself ready to go. It was hard to leave. So hard to leave. My eyes filled with tears as I shut the back door behind me. When I got to the garage, I turned around and waved, again, at baba and Maddy in the kitchen window. Then I sat in the car and let a few tears flow.
I made it to work at about 810am and my day started. I met too many people to remember, chatted and small talked with a few. I read a lot about grants, I tried to absorb most of it. And I looked at pictures of Maddy a lot. I thought of her, what she was doing, what her mood was like. I called home only twice and spoke to her and mom.
My boss let me leave 5 minutes early and I rushed home! When I got in I ran into the living room and grabbed Maddy and held her as tightly as I could. And then the crazy began - I made dinner, we ate, I played with Maddy. And I soaked in every second I spent with her. I held her and made her giggle. I crawled with her, and tickled her toes and tummy. I gave Mady her bath, and held her close. And then too quickly, way too quickly, it was bedtime. I sang her lullaby through the tears and laid her down. Now I have laundry and dishes and cleaning and blogging and everything else to do.
And I miss Maddy.
But I made it through day one, and I will return for day 2. Everyone there seems wonderful and the ministry is a positive one. I have the option of starting when I need to, to balance daycare, and can get one flex day a month. I think I'll enjoy it there! But missing Maddy is almost overshadowing the positive.
I am now living for Saturday, when I can spend the whole day with my girl and husband. Being a working mom has started. Fuck, it's hard.
My mom came over at about 7am, and I got myself ready to go. It was hard to leave. So hard to leave. My eyes filled with tears as I shut the back door behind me. When I got to the garage, I turned around and waved, again, at baba and Maddy in the kitchen window. Then I sat in the car and let a few tears flow.
I made it to work at about 810am and my day started. I met too many people to remember, chatted and small talked with a few. I read a lot about grants, I tried to absorb most of it. And I looked at pictures of Maddy a lot. I thought of her, what she was doing, what her mood was like. I called home only twice and spoke to her and mom.
My boss let me leave 5 minutes early and I rushed home! When I got in I ran into the living room and grabbed Maddy and held her as tightly as I could. And then the crazy began - I made dinner, we ate, I played with Maddy. And I soaked in every second I spent with her. I held her and made her giggle. I crawled with her, and tickled her toes and tummy. I gave Mady her bath, and held her close. And then too quickly, way too quickly, it was bedtime. I sang her lullaby through the tears and laid her down. Now I have laundry and dishes and cleaning and blogging and everything else to do.
And I miss Maddy.
But I made it through day one, and I will return for day 2. Everyone there seems wonderful and the ministry is a positive one. I have the option of starting when I need to, to balance daycare, and can get one flex day a month. I think I'll enjoy it there! But missing Maddy is almost overshadowing the positive.
I am now living for Saturday, when I can spend the whole day with my girl and husband. Being a working mom has started. Fuck, it's hard.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Today is a day to remember and tonight is a night to try to forget
Today is Remembrance Day. At 11am Maddy sat on my lap and I started to try explain to her why we remember. Instead tears came and I held her tightly. So many mothers have lost their children, and now I can understand how that would tear your soul apart.
The rest of the day I tried to forget how soon I go back to work. Tomorrow is my last day of being a stay at home mom. Tomorrow is the end of my time at home with Maddy. And the day is going to be filled with errands. Going to buy my mom a carseat and then going to 2 daycares (way to save that until the last minute...). It's tearing me apart, to leave her. I feel guilt for taking away the remaining 9 weeks of leave I could have with her. Nine weeks of watching her smile and laugh and crawl and walk. I am going to likely miss her first steps, the first time she walks from one piece of furniture to another, her first words, so many firsts... and I could have seen then, if I didn't go back to work. And I am feeling envy, for the moms I know that get to stay with their kids still. They will still get together, still be able to enjoy their time with their kiddos, still delay returning to the real world. And I am looking forward to this new job, this new opportunity. And I think that is that hardest part. I am looking forward to something that is taking me away from my daughter prematurely. And the guilt of being a working mom starts...
Maddy has been struggling with the time change. She's up at 530am (UGH!) and I have been getting up with her, to resettle her. This morning I woke at 5am, and waited for the 30 minutes until she woke. And then couldn't fall back asleep. I am tired. And then add PMS. And guilt. And I am a bit of a mess. Ok. A lot of a mess.
It's going to be a hard... and then it'll get even harder when I am working and still feel the compulsion to get it all done. But other moms have done it, and I know I will too. Because I have to. For Maddy.
The rest of the day I tried to forget how soon I go back to work. Tomorrow is my last day of being a stay at home mom. Tomorrow is the end of my time at home with Maddy. And the day is going to be filled with errands. Going to buy my mom a carseat and then going to 2 daycares (way to save that until the last minute...). It's tearing me apart, to leave her. I feel guilt for taking away the remaining 9 weeks of leave I could have with her. Nine weeks of watching her smile and laugh and crawl and walk. I am going to likely miss her first steps, the first time she walks from one piece of furniture to another, her first words, so many firsts... and I could have seen then, if I didn't go back to work. And I am feeling envy, for the moms I know that get to stay with their kids still. They will still get together, still be able to enjoy their time with their kiddos, still delay returning to the real world. And I am looking forward to this new job, this new opportunity. And I think that is that hardest part. I am looking forward to something that is taking me away from my daughter prematurely. And the guilt of being a working mom starts...
Maddy has been struggling with the time change. She's up at 530am (UGH!) and I have been getting up with her, to resettle her. This morning I woke at 5am, and waited for the 30 minutes until she woke. And then couldn't fall back asleep. I am tired. And then add PMS. And guilt. And I am a bit of a mess. Ok. A lot of a mess.
It's going to be a hard... and then it'll get even harder when I am working and still feel the compulsion to get it all done. But other moms have done it, and I know I will too. Because I have to. For Maddy.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Stats update
Weight - 21 pounds, 9 ounces which is about 86 percentile
Length - 72.7cm which is about 78 percentile
Yes, the units of measurement are different, I went by what the clinic told me. Still doing awesome, Madds!
Length - 72.7cm which is about 78 percentile
Yes, the units of measurement are different, I went by what the clinic told me. Still doing awesome, Madds!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Awesome baby is awesome!
Madds is getting a tooth up top (her third one coming!) and has been spending a lot of time running her tongue over it. In the most adorable way!
I love this little girl more than I ever imagined.
I love this little girl more than I ever imagined.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
40 weeks
Maddy was inside me for about 40 weeks. She's now been outside me for about 40 weeks. I have now been not pregnant as long as I was.
It's reaching the point where I can fondly think back about being pregnant and miss it. The sleepless nights, peeing, bleeding gums, exhaustion, inability to walk at a reasonable speed, aching hips and back, swollen feet... all seems so much more distant than the wonderful feeling of your child moving and kicking and hiccuping inside you. That endless connection to another person - the one time in life where your body contains 2 souls (if you believe in that kinda thing).
No, I am not ready for a second child. Our house doesn't have the room for it. Which means moving, which means a higher mortgage. Or massive renovations. And then add the cost of 2 daycare spots? Punishing. Not feasible, if we want to have a life and travel and save and add to RRSPs. How do people do it? Back to the point...
My body has been mine for a long time now. How is it doing? Well, when I got pregnant I was too heavy. I am just 3 pounds heavier than I was the day after I peed on the stick and 2 ponds lighter than I was at my first prenatal doctor's appointment. So, I am where I started but where I started? Not a healthy place. I have renewed motivation to lose, as I still can't really fit into my pre-pregnancy work clothes. Same weight? Very different shape... Plus, I have the most amazing little girl to be healthy for. I want to live a long and robust life for her and for my (possible) future grandchildren. And my complication after the pregnancy is slowly getting better - still in physio, still having to do my exercises (which I need to do better in remembering), still getting stronger. I am not "normal" but I am good.
Inside I am another person. I look at the world not in how it will affect me, but how it will affect my daughter. Everything looks different to me now. I care more about my health than I ever have - I floss, I have no interest in smoking ever again, I want to be more active. I care about what I do - I have to lead by example, and I look at my actions in the light of "would I want Maddy to do this?". While I am proud of my accomplishments, when I see Maddy achieve something, like stand or roll or sit, the sense of joy is tangible, greater than it ever was for something I did. Being a mother is awe inspiring that way.
80 weeks of Maddy, half of that inside me and the other half outside me. What a crazy ride... I am someone's MOM. I am an amazing little girl's mom. And I am so lucky.
It's reaching the point where I can fondly think back about being pregnant and miss it. The sleepless nights, peeing, bleeding gums, exhaustion, inability to walk at a reasonable speed, aching hips and back, swollen feet... all seems so much more distant than the wonderful feeling of your child moving and kicking and hiccuping inside you. That endless connection to another person - the one time in life where your body contains 2 souls (if you believe in that kinda thing).
No, I am not ready for a second child. Our house doesn't have the room for it. Which means moving, which means a higher mortgage. Or massive renovations. And then add the cost of 2 daycare spots? Punishing. Not feasible, if we want to have a life and travel and save and add to RRSPs. How do people do it? Back to the point...
My body has been mine for a long time now. How is it doing? Well, when I got pregnant I was too heavy. I am just 3 pounds heavier than I was the day after I peed on the stick and 2 ponds lighter than I was at my first prenatal doctor's appointment. So, I am where I started but where I started? Not a healthy place. I have renewed motivation to lose, as I still can't really fit into my pre-pregnancy work clothes. Same weight? Very different shape... Plus, I have the most amazing little girl to be healthy for. I want to live a long and robust life for her and for my (possible) future grandchildren. And my complication after the pregnancy is slowly getting better - still in physio, still having to do my exercises (which I need to do better in remembering), still getting stronger. I am not "normal" but I am good.
Inside I am another person. I look at the world not in how it will affect me, but how it will affect my daughter. Everything looks different to me now. I care more about my health than I ever have - I floss, I have no interest in smoking ever again, I want to be more active. I care about what I do - I have to lead by example, and I look at my actions in the light of "would I want Maddy to do this?". While I am proud of my accomplishments, when I see Maddy achieve something, like stand or roll or sit, the sense of joy is tangible, greater than it ever was for something I did. Being a mother is awe inspiring that way.
80 weeks of Maddy, half of that inside me and the other half outside me. What a crazy ride... I am someone's MOM. I am an amazing little girl's mom. And I am so lucky.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
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