Thursday, February 7, 2013

Why this started in the first place...

This weekend I was cleaning out our bedroom. We have SO MUCH STUFF. And I don't want to have so much stuff. So I was trying to get rid of... stuff. Instead of adding to the "get rid of" pile, I took a few things out. Oops. But I did find a very very old journal. And read a few (horribly embarrassing) pages. And then I remembered why I started this blog in the first place.

My memory SUCKS.

As I read the words in this journal, I had absolutely no recollection at ALL of the things I said I did. I mean, there wasn't even a glimmer of "oh yah!". Just.... REALLY?! I did WHAT? When?


This isn't a new lesson. I guess I just... forgot... how bad my memory is. And why I wanted this online journal to capture everything that I see in you, everything that I want you to know about you growing up. So, I am going to re-commit to writing. Hopefully.

If I remember.

This week we had the 3 year check up. And, Maddy, you were an old PRO at the doctor's office. You said "aaaah!" and let him look in your ears and listen to your heart and breathing. You were awesome. And in the waiting room you behaved (although you commented on everything around you). But you are pretty tall and still quite heavy. And you are perfectly, wonderfully, BEAUTIFULLY healthy.

About me? I am in a state of flux. I was in a job I loved, that I gave everything I had (including my health) to. And when the job was posted in a more permanent capacity, I applied. Didn't get the job. And this broke my heart. Now I am watching the work I did... change. The things I set in place, change. So much change. And none of those hours of effort, sleepless nights, stress, evenings and weekend are even there anymore. Which has helped my put it all into perspective. What matters is Maddy. And Neil. And Walter. And family and friends. And taking care of me. Work is just what happens to pay the bills for the things that matter. So now I am waiting to see what happens next. In a strange holding pattern.

Although as I write these words I am reminded that while I wait, life still happens. So instead of participating in, I am opting out. And that also is a lesson I have learned before - that life happens as I wait, and I miss so much. Still, I feel powerless to move.

Or maybe it's just the head cold. Such a nasty cold!

Time will tell. I just hope I remember to write it down.

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