Ba-a-a-a-a-a!

Seriously, how cute is this kid? But please excuse the spit... she's learning.

Month Fifteen Letter

My dear Maddy girl,

You are 15 months old today! You are such a little girl. You have the walking thing down and are now working like mad to perfect your vocal talents. Tonight you said "turtle" for the first time, while in the bath. You are mimicking us like mad. Which has really made us watch our words. Even not-swear words we say would sound just horrible from your lips. But you will learn not-nice words. And I think I will laugh like mad the first times you say them! There are some random sounds you make, that sound like things you shouldn't say... we try not to encourage those sounds. But you are always chatting and telling us what you think. We may not understand what you're saying, but you definitely know what you mean. And you get so so so mad at us when we don't understand! The other day you lost it when you wanted Shreddies and I didn't know what you meant. Once I finally figured it out, it was bedtime. You sat on my lap sniffling and snuffling as you had your warm milk and shreddies and worked to forgive your mum for not understanding.

You are able to answer a few questions. Like"Maddy, what do sheep say?" and "Maddy, what do cows say?" and last one you can reliably answer is "Maddy, what sounds do trains make?". Your answers? ADORABLE. Even just to watch your little mouth make the sounds. Reminder, I have to capture it on video... And in daycare you'll learn more and more, from the kids and staff.

We celebrated your second Easter with us. And it was pretty low key. Lots of food, lots of family. No eggs or chocolate this year, but next? A new tradition? I never got eggs hunts as a kid, but I think would have been so much fun. It's reaching the time to experience our second version of events with you, we're starting to establish tradition. Our family tradition. Our family... It's all happening so fast. So perfectly, so wonderfully, so ideally... but so fast.

Well, Nunu, this month's birthday falls right in the peak of my snow-mold allergy reaction. And a spate of falling and injuring myself. So before my rambling becomes even more repetitive I will say happy 15 months, my girl. I love you endlessly and always.

Love,

Mum

Another molar - number 3

I have had FIVE days at home with my girl! And they have been awesome days. Thursday was daycare day, Friday was family day (which had lots of tickling, giggling and some grocery shopping), Saturday I went for brunch with friends and then it was the day to go for a walk, Sunday was Easter and all the stuff Easter brings (eating and eating) and today dada was back at work and mom, baba and Maddy went out. So much family time and relaxing and errands. There was a time long weekends were about staying up late, sleeping in, relaxing... maybe a brunch or dim sum. And talk of getting things done but never quite getting around to it. Being a parent changes it all.

This weekend has revolved around daycare starting in 1 week. What does that mean? How will it all change? Changing Maddy's routine already... I am nervous about Maddy and how she'll handle it all. I am nervous about her getting hurt - there are 11 other kids, most older than her. I am sad for my mom, who is already missing her Nunu. I am also sad for my dogs, who haven't been home alone for about 3 years now. We will adjust, we will be just fine. Eventually. Once I adjust. Yah, I think it's going to be hardest on me.

The other day at the park, when Maddy was crying because we put her in the swing, I managed to peer into her mouth and saw molar three emerging. I have to say, she must be getting used to it because other than loads of drool she's not at all grumpy. All 5 of us went for a walk and it worked! Except for the fact Maddy hated the park this time around. But she loved the breeze on her face while walking and watching the "bups" run around. And the bups? They loved getting outside for the first time in a long time. And this will have to be the norm now, loads more walks.

Life is wonderful, life is all about Maddy. And there isn't a thing I'd change.

Daycare visit? Done! And lunch box bought too.

This morning Maddy and I went to her new daycare to visit. The staff there are still just so amazing! And I am still completely confident about this choice. I put Maddy on the floor and off she went - exploring and playing and throwing everything everywhere. Then there was gym time, and I got to watch Maddy run around with a hockey stick or a ball. Never quite hitting the stick to ball, but she had fun nonetheless!

There are more boys than girls there - there were 6 boys and 1 girl there this morning. And one little boy (who is almost 17 months) took a little shine to Maddy, and would follow her around. But Maddy is still mostly in the play near versus play with phase. It'll be fun to watch that change over time.

Then we went home for a nap. Yes, both of us napped. I can't remember the time I last curled up with the pups and slept during the day! Then more errands (washing the car, getting gas, buying more pants for Maddy). And I got her lunch box! A friend suggested Old Navy for retro tin lunch boxes. At first glance I liked the orange crush one. BUT the I looked. It said "Everyone likes a (orange) crush" with orange being harder to see. And the grammatical error? My crazy self could not deal with it. There were a few candy themed ones. Or soda. In the end, I grabbed a Hello Kitty one. I still love the yoda one best, but this one will be good too.

And, really, life is good! Maddy has a wee break from teething (although the drooling is starting again... already!) and is her usual awesome self. Spring is in the air and the time of hibernating is coming to an end. We're getting more and more active, starting projects around the house, looking at the mountain of dog poo in the back yard that the retreating snow is uncovering. And "Ai" (aka Olivia) is on TV right now - Maddy is overjoyed! She can't say her own name yet, but keeps chanting "Ai". What a perfect Thursday-day-off!

Still coming to grips with no baby v2.0

I am still trying to understand how I feel about not being pregnant.

I feel a sense of relief. Baby would have been due December 25th-ish. I was a December baby, that was hard. A Christmas baby would mean v2.0 would never have had a separate birthday special time. And I am loving my new Ministry - I'd love to prove myself enough that I could maybe, one day, be permanent here. And my body is JUST starting to feel normal after Maddy. The hip pain is gone, my weight is just under where it was when I got pregnant (with a plan in place to keep the number going down), the complications slowly going back to the-new-normal. And 2 kiddos under 2. So so so many diapers. Drowning in diapers! And then formula again, and all the washing and sterilizing and still a Maddy who requires her own attention. And I like the fact that we're a happily 2 income family. We are ok, financially, and have the room to keep doing the little projects around the house. Going back to mat leave pay... then paying for 2 daycare spots... and 2 RESPs... We could do it, but there goes any wiggle room.

But all these "reasons" feel so selfish compared to how much I loved that little bean. How much I looked forward to watching my 2 kids grow up together and play and fight. Knowing that Maddy would have a sibling to be there for her one day, when we're gone (as long as they got along, of course). Really, in the end, just how much I loved that baby.

That all said, still no firm decision on whether we're stopping at a family of three or trying for a fourth.

And Maddy? She continues to be her awesome Maddy-self. Strong and independent and knowing what she wants. And not scared to lose it when we don't comply. It'll be a challenge to raise a daughter that is strong willed, without breaking that awesomeness.

Daycare start date is approaching fast and I have already warned my boss that I will be kinda weepy that week. That said, to distract myself about the fact strangers will be raising my girl, I am on the hunt for the PERFECT lunchbox for Maddy and am coming up very very short. I say this one at a friend's and love it

But as Neil points out, it's something I like - Maddy has never shown much interest in Star Wars. And it's out of stock anyway.

Then I looked for "Ai" ones (how Maddy says Olivia, the pig) but can't find one deep enough. Maddy also really loves Koalas. And pears. And "bups" (pups, to us). And nothing is grabbing my attention. What I don't want? Princesses and Pink and Sparkles and Unicorns. And gender stereotypes. If Maddy turns out to like those things, awesome! Pink everywhere! But I don't want her only option to be Pink, until she makes the choice herself. Or am I just being weird?

Anyone know the baby sign for Advil?

Maddy woke up at her usual 620am, but she woke up a little off. And as the morning progressed so did her off. This morning she demanded to be picked up, demanded to be put down, demanded "DIS", demanded whatever she could reach in her ever growing arm span... and when I refused to comply with the demands? She LOST HER MARBLES. Repeatedly. Frequently. Head thrown on the ground, wailing, tears and snot... The only time she was ok was when we went out to a friend's for a playdate. Although she was still a little off there still. She had a good nap (2 hours) and loads of food... and after mama figured it out, Advil.

Maddy demanded to be in my arms and she began to reach towards the cupboard where we keep her snacks. She flailed and fussed and no treat would satisfy her. No item to play with made her happy. And her frustration mounted...

Neil was changing her diaper and I brought in a syringe of advil, in case the grump was teething related. And Maddy calmed. For the first time that morning, she calmed. I carried her back into the kitchen and there was no more reaching. Soon after, I threw her down for a nap and hauled my ass to do errands (groceries). As I was driving, it hit me. Her reaching for the cupboard... was that for the advil? She calmed after the advil... Oh geez. Was our daughter asking for drugs?? Rudimentary conversation is nice, but it'll be even better when she can really tell us.

But days like today? They are great forms of birth control... I can't even imagine days like today if there were 2.

I peed

I couldn't wait.

And it's no. One line, no baby. Not pregnant.

My cycle should start right away.

And I still don't really know how I feel about it. Some relief, a lot of sadness.

I really, really, really loved that baby that never was.