Saturday, November 21, 2009

30 weeks

How can we be at 30 weeks already???! Time is flying by...

In 10 weeks it's Sprout's due date. In 7 weeks she's considered full term. In 2 weeks? She'll be considered ready to come out - not fully baked but close. TWO WEEKS! Which has sent me into a bit of a panic, needing to get the nursery finished. Tomorrow we get the dresser and the pieces we're getting to organize the closet. Then I can start washing everything and figuring out where to put everything.

Sprout is about 16 inches long and around 3 lbs 12 ounces or more. And it's starting to hit me that she's going to have to COME OUT. Ack! But i know that pain will be finite. It'll hurt more than anything I can even begin to imagine but in 2, 10, 24, 36 hours... it'll be over and I can heal. The forever part is having a person, another human being, that I am responsible to raise. Neil and I will need to help her shape her morals, her values, her beliefs. And that part is the part that scares me most. I know that I will do things wrong. I know that some of the decisions I will make will come from a place of love but be perceived by Sprout as something less pure. I know that in 15 years (well, less) she'll think I am the stupidest person alive. Or at least the one who doesn't understand ANYTHING! And that by saying no I ruined her life. And 20 years from now I'll be blamed for whatever psychological crisis she's having, whatever flaws she sees in herself, real or imagined. But I want her to know that everything we'll do and say really will come from a place of love. From two people who only want everything to be right for her. Maybe 30 years from now she'll be able to see that...

Today I went on the annual shopping trip with my goddaughter for her birthday and Christmas gifts. Well, I ended up buying one thing for Sprout. And I shouldn't have... it won't fit her for something like 5 years. And by then it'll be so completely out of style. But I am a geek... Neil is a geek... and it seemed to perfectly GEEKY! I think this is the kind of thing she'll mention in therapy one day.

I am sorry, my little one!

Wednesday, after a horrible night's sleep and many aching spots on my body I had enough. I was just tired of being pregnant. I wanted to bend over, I wanted a glass of wine, I wanted to sleep on my stomach... but after a solid night's sleep (as solid as they come now) I felt better and still excited about the journey we're on. Even though I still miss bending over, drinking wine and sleeping on my stomach I am not ready for Sprout to come yet. I am willing to hold onto the aching ribs (and the pins and needles in my ribs), the sore hips and back, the widening feet that fit no shoes anymore, the random itchy spots, the constant tiredness just to know that she's continuing to grow and get ready for the world outside in a place of safety. And while I still smile when she stretches one of her long legs into my side (often the exact same spot) it's now starting to hurt more! One night in bed she was pushing out. Neil leaned over and pushed her back in. I think it confused her... she stopped pushing for a few seconds... then pushed back harder. I just hope that she isn't as stubborn as I am. And if she takes Neil's stubborness and my stubborness together? We're in a LOT of trouble!

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