Sunday, September 12, 2010

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I blogged. It's not that there are no changes. Because daily there are new faces! New movements! New ways to get into things! New foods! Like the first lick of a purple Popsicle. Which she LOVED (of course). There has been nothing bad happening, preventing me from writing. Everything is going really well. It's just that I struggle to express what it means to be Maddy's mom.

Maddy is amazing. She's so much fun! She's a little ham, loving any attention she gets. When there are new people around she'll often shine -  giving big smiles and reaching for people. She's pretty mobile, but not hands and knees crawling yet. She's more a belly crawler and that is often done more slowly. She's still managing to get all around and into everything. She LOVES electrical cords, she loves the VCR and stereo. She's not hitting milestones in an WOW! EARLY! kind of way. She's still not crawling, sitting, standing. While we saw a tooth, it still is pretty well hidden in her gums. She's normal, she's doing things when she should. But? But there is something about her, about her personality, that gives the impression that she's so much more advanced than she is. That she's doing things she shouldn't be, for this age. I think my girl just has an old soul.

The real struggle for me isn't to catalog what Maddy is doing. That is easy. What I struggle with is how can I put into words how much I love Maddy. How can I express the depth and strength and solidity of my love. This isn't a love that will end. She is now, and forever will be, my daughter. I love my husband and have every intention of spending the rest of my days with him. And we have one year down! Happy anniversary, my love. But on the off chance we grow in different directions, if something should happen, we can part ways. My love for Maddy won't change, won't end, even if she goes in a different direction from where I am. She can never stop being my daughter. When I am away from her, she's always on my mind. When I am with her, it's almost always fun. When she's napping or sleeping, I just want to go in and grab her, hold her in my arms....

All those sayings about parenthood, how it means a large piece of your heart will forever be running around outside your body, how it changes you... I always thought it seemed so saccharine. It was all so dramatic. And I scoffed at it all. Now? Now I understand that despite how exaggerated it sounds, it doesn't even BEGIN to come close to expressing the kind of love you feel. I see the world in a different way, I am looking for the way it all will affect Maddy. I am always seeing activities that I want to do with her, things I want to show her, things I want to protect her from.

I thought my mom had the soul of a martyr, always putting me first. No, it has nothing to do with martyrdom, it's just that the thing that matters most is your child, not yourself. So much more about my childhood makes sense, now that I know what love they feel for me. Everything makes more sense now.

My girl is going to wake from her nap soon. Her 9am nap is moving to a 930am nap. Once again, things change just as I got used to how they were. But soon she'll be up and we'll have some time to play and giggle and crawl and explore before lunch and another nap and errands (always errands!).

I love you, my Maddy girl.