I am with Madds all day. And while we try to get out, most of my time is spent with just the two of us. I try to talk aloud to her but she doesn't talk back quite yet and the silence - the lack of communication - causes me to retreat inside myself, just think instead of speak. This happens to me when I am alone too much, when I have traveled alone, when I have been too solitary. And it's starting to spill over into my relationships with others. Neil, my friends, my parents. I just have forgotten how to talk.
I can still normally keep up with trivial conversation. Although that too is slipping... But in my attempts to have deeper conversations with friends, I find I am struggling to convey my thoughts back to them. I can't seem to provide feedback to what they say. Instead of prompting for more information, supporting, bringing insight... I seem to think and keep the thoughts inside. And then the conversation awkwardly dies. and later I realize what I have done but by then it's too late. The moment has passed. And I used to think I was an ok listener. Now it's frighteningly gone.
I know I need to get out more with friends (without Maddy). And I need to stop writing blog posts in my head. I need to live life, not write it. Maybe when I get back from vacation, I'll make more of an effort. Make one night a week my getting out night. go out with friends, hit the gym, shop... whatever I want. Or maybe I need a project where I am forced to think about more than which food are we starting today, has there been a dirty diaper yet, is she sleepy or hungry now, is it time to do something in frontierville (sorry FB friends).
For those friends that I have unintentionally slighted, I am sorry. I'm working on finding my way out again.